Haircuts
Golly. It's been a while, what with Burns night, haggis, going back to work and generally filling my days hobbling around Oxford, I haven't had the chance to post anything, for which I can only apologise - to you, but also to myself. I feel ashamed.
Haircuts, though, they're a bit rubbish, aren't they? I got mine snipped on Saturday, and I'm beginning to think the whole thing was a terrible mistake. Speaking as somone with very curly, slightly gingery, fairly rubbish hair, haircuts aren't exactly my favourite thing. For years now I've taken to growing my hair til it gets like a horrible shaggy mop (think that TOTAL IDIOT from Toploader) and then brutally shaving it off so I look like an evil Nazi, just to avoid having to go through with the whole ordeal.
Just about the worst thing about haircuts is having to look at yourself in the mirror for anything up to half-an-hour, or even more if I'm having a particularly bad Toploader moment. Now, I've worked out I probably look in the mirror for approximately 30 seconds in an average a day, and even then I'm not really focusing on anything, just brushing my teeth angrily. This suits me fine - I get to believe I'm an inoffensively not-ugly, almost-handsome sortaguy, and my confidence remains in tact.
One thing guaranteed to shatter that confidence in a thrice is a haircut, with those giant, unforgiving mirrors and brighter-than-bright lights reflecting back a very jaded (and ugly) me - bloodshot eyes, hungover skin, terrible facial hair that you thought made you look rugged, and features that somehow look a combination of too big, too far apart, too pointy, too squashed and too sticking out, all at the same time. By the time I get out, I've been reduced to a tearful wreck, unable to look anyone in the eye or be seen out in public before dark again.
But I'm aware that this makes me sound like a massive girl, so I won't go on. Mind you, it's no wonder that girls suffer from low self-esteem and over-awareness of their own shortcomings - they spend far too much of their time analysing themselves in front of mirrors. Conversely, it's also why some boys have such inexplicably high levels of confidence and believe that woman should fall at their feet - they have no idea how truly, offensively ugly they are.
Anyway, other rubbish things about haircuts:
- they remind you that you should really do something about your dandruff
- they only ever have copies of the Daily Mail or FHM to read while you wait
- male barbers only ever know how to do a short back and sides
- you can tell that most female hairdressers hate cutting curly hair, even though they'll tell you how lovely it is and that they'd love to have curly hair themselves
- you always get some rubbish sub-taxi-driver chat, and all you want to do is shout at the hairdresser that they're cutting it ALL WRONG
- your hair ALWAYS looked better before you got it cut, whatever anyone at work / your girlfriend says
- you're always hungover
- they give you a cold neck / ears
- your Mum won't like it.
Can you think of any more? Well, can you? I'd like to see you try.
Haircuts, though, they're a bit rubbish, aren't they? I got mine snipped on Saturday, and I'm beginning to think the whole thing was a terrible mistake. Speaking as somone with very curly, slightly gingery, fairly rubbish hair, haircuts aren't exactly my favourite thing. For years now I've taken to growing my hair til it gets like a horrible shaggy mop (think that TOTAL IDIOT from Toploader) and then brutally shaving it off so I look like an evil Nazi, just to avoid having to go through with the whole ordeal.
Just about the worst thing about haircuts is having to look at yourself in the mirror for anything up to half-an-hour, or even more if I'm having a particularly bad Toploader moment. Now, I've worked out I probably look in the mirror for approximately 30 seconds in an average a day, and even then I'm not really focusing on anything, just brushing my teeth angrily. This suits me fine - I get to believe I'm an inoffensively not-ugly, almost-handsome sortaguy, and my confidence remains in tact.
One thing guaranteed to shatter that confidence in a thrice is a haircut, with those giant, unforgiving mirrors and brighter-than-bright lights reflecting back a very jaded (and ugly) me - bloodshot eyes, hungover skin, terrible facial hair that you thought made you look rugged, and features that somehow look a combination of too big, too far apart, too pointy, too squashed and too sticking out, all at the same time. By the time I get out, I've been reduced to a tearful wreck, unable to look anyone in the eye or be seen out in public before dark again.
But I'm aware that this makes me sound like a massive girl, so I won't go on. Mind you, it's no wonder that girls suffer from low self-esteem and over-awareness of their own shortcomings - they spend far too much of their time analysing themselves in front of mirrors. Conversely, it's also why some boys have such inexplicably high levels of confidence and believe that woman should fall at their feet - they have no idea how truly, offensively ugly they are.
Anyway, other rubbish things about haircuts:
- they remind you that you should really do something about your dandruff
- they only ever have copies of the Daily Mail or FHM to read while you wait
- male barbers only ever know how to do a short back and sides
- you can tell that most female hairdressers hate cutting curly hair, even though they'll tell you how lovely it is and that they'd love to have curly hair themselves
- you always get some rubbish sub-taxi-driver chat, and all you want to do is shout at the hairdresser that they're cutting it ALL WRONG
- your hair ALWAYS looked better before you got it cut, whatever anyone at work / your girlfriend says
- you're always hungover
- they give you a cold neck / ears
- your Mum won't like it.
Can you think of any more? Well, can you? I'd like to see you try.
Labels: Haircuts
posted by Badger at 8:16 PM
3 Comments:
I agree. 10 more disturbing things about haircuts and barbers:
1 They cost money. Do it yourself/get your mate/girlfriend to do it - it will not look any worse and you don't have to look into the mirror.
2 Barbers are weird. They have stuff in jars like biologists, immersed in 'barbicide'.
3 They ask you if you want anything on it.
4 You get annoying itchy hair down your back.
5 They give you a napkin when they are finished for some reason.
6 They ask you how you would like it at the back - square or tapered. I have no idea what they are talking about, but feel I'm in no position to argue.
7 It is like being at the dentist.
8 A friend of mine had her ear cut once.
9 Those capes make you look like a crocheted toilet roll cover dolly.
10 They used to be surgeons, and I think they still want to be.
11 They are not as annoying as this comments page where I seem to have to reregister every time I make a comment.
I agree more. Some particular annoyances of mine:
1. Despite it being a comedy-sketch staple, no barber, hairdresser, stylist or whatever has ever offered me 'something for the weekend'. I would like something. Your mate / girlfriend is, frankly, more likely to.
2. I go to one where they make a big deal of plastering your sidies and the back of your neck in hot-shaving foam and going at it with a cut-throat razor. This sounds like it should be something for the weekend, but seems to come as standard.
3. You have to wait for ages.
4. If you ask them to do it with scissors rather than an electric sheep-shearing instrument, they act like you've asked a doctor for a manicure.
5. If you say you're happy with the shearer, they ask you what number you want. If you say anything higher than eleven, they think you're taking the piss.
6. You always have to go on a Saturday morning, when you have a million other better (and worse) things to do, like psyching yourself up to play for Union Street, drinking energy drinks, etc..
7. Because of 6 you don't get to go for ages after you intially concede to yourself that you need one, thus looking like an idiot for ages (yr chairmain excepted who is a fluffy dude).
8. Because of 7 when you do go they make sarcastic comments like 'been a while has it sir?', to which I feel obliged to reply 'about 7 years actually'.
9. Whilst it's nice to think that you can get your mate / girlfriend to cut it, if this catches on it means that someone is going to ask you to do theirs.
10. I cut my sister's once, with nail scissors. It took about 2 minutes of hacking, and I spent the whole time shouting 'I'M SO SORRY!'. Cathartic.
True, man. Totally true.
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